Signs You Are To Drunk
24. You lose arguments with objects.
23. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
22. Your Job is interfering with your drinking.
21. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

20. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
19. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the 5th food group.
18. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? - I think not!
17. Two hands and just one mouth... - now that's a drinking problem!

16. You can focus better with one eye closed.
15. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
14. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
13. You fall off the floor...

12. Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!
11. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
10. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
9.Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

8.The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
7.You think Three Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, and Alcohol.
6.Roseanne looks good.
5.Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
4.That pink elephant followed you home again.

3.You're as jober as a sudge.
2.You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
and last but not least...
1.Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops!

The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain
"Isn't there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"


I'm searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."


"DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"


"Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"


"Thanks idiot...I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"


"Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!"


"I'm at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."


"I'm trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!"


"See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that's why I'm stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!"


"Ummmm...I'm looking for beer money?"